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Objectively Subjective

“My eighteen year old daughter asked me, ‘How can I tell if a young man I am interested in is the man I ought to marry?’ What would you tell her?” I was curious to know how serious the relationship was so I hesitated in answering. It was quite possible the daughter was in an unhealthy relationship and her dad was looking for ammunition to get her away from a current young man. It was also possible this was a sincere question from an emerging young lady. This concerned dad must have seen what he thought was confusion on my part because he asked me, “Is there even an answer to the question or am I just on my own to figure it out?”
I shared with him that there are both objective and subjective factors to consider. On the objective side, there are character issues to look at. I encouraged him to have his daughter make a list of the traits she was looking for in a man she would consider spending her life with. There are numerous passages in the Bible that discuss the importance of personal character. Ephesians 5 is one such passage that encourages each of us to pursue the following convictions:
• Persistent love. “Walk in the ways of love, just as Christ loved us.” (v. 2) This is the kind of love that willingly sacrifices and looks out for the best interests of others. It is not, “I love because I want something from you.” It is, “I love because that is who I am.”
• Moral excellence. “Among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality.” (v. 3) People who can be trusted for a lifetime have the powerful passions of their life under control. It is not that we want our desires and drive in life numbed. We just want to have the forces of our life focused on healthy, encouraging, productive activities rather than selfish gratification.
• Ethical encouragement. “Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving.” (v. 4) The Holy Spirit who is in us has a positive attitude and looks for ways to build others up. Words are either powerful allies or destructive weapons and we must each decide how we are going use them.
• Committed to truth. “For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light.” (v. 8 ) When we meet Jesus, we encounter the source of truth and we get exposed to everything that is true about life. If we are going to be consistent in our relationship with Him, we will seek to apply truth to our lives on a regular basis.
This is a short list of the type of character God is trying to build in us. The list can certainly get so long that no one can ever measure up, but it is helpful to identify key character traits that make for healthy relationships. Then ask the questions, “Am I growing in these areas myself?” and “Am I willing to wait for someone who is also growing in these areas?”
The pursuit doesn’t stop with the objective list, however. We all have subjective preferences that include personality, body type, sense of humor, sense of purpose, career pursuit and social interest. I encourage young people to boldly identify these subjective preferences because they are a big part of what attracts us to other people. When the objective list and the subjective list converge in a relationship, we have strong confidence it has what it takes to build a life together. Of course, there are no 100 percent guarantees in any relationship because we are confronted with significant decisions every year that have the power to alter our lives. It is, however, likely that people of solid character who are attracted to each other for good reasons are going to decide to work through the issues of life together rather than use them against each other.
God, give us both objective and subjective wisdom in our relational choices.

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